I leave in 5 days. In 4 days, I'll be at the hotel for MEPS. 
I finally got my low push up down last night. Scoooore!! I've been doing 5 push-ups every few minutes all day.

I had my last DepCC call today. Glad I won't have to see anyone any more. They always ask me "why are you so sad/angry?"
I don't want to be there. Duh.

I'm going to miss sleeping in my bed. I won't be back home after Basic Training until Thanksgiving. I'll miss spending my 20th birthday with my parents. That'll be my first birthday away from them.

I'm going to miss my honey. The next time I see William, he'll be beside me, holding my hand. I'm more excited for that than anything.

I'm going to miss being brought breakfast in bed. 

I'm going to miss pointless conversations with my overly excited little brother.

I'm going to miss my parents, my friends (that I never see,) and my computer. lol

But, I'll get over it all. No whining from me. I know what I signed up for--- time to kick ass.

I'll make everyone proud. This is to the start of my life. Air Force, here I come! 

You know what I like hearing? "Yes." 
Can I have those shoes? "Yes."
A car? "Yes."
That dress? "Yes."

I guess that's what happened with [NewYorker.] However, the phenomenon occurring with William puts a delectable sour taste in my mouth.

I just tell myself "No." 
I know he'd go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, and I appreciate that, but I prefer not receiving things from him. In fact, it's a very strange feeling when my 9-year-old American girl voice echoes "No" in my head. I think it's a turn-on.

I know that, every time I tell him "no," I'm saving him from dealing with the consequences of unleashing Ms.Strangergirl-the-man-killing-dependent-shop-a-holic. Every time I tell him "no," those few dollars that are vibrating with excitement in his checking account are hushed. Ever time I tell him "no," I am one step closer to our seamless future together.

I want to be self-less one day.
ONE DAY, but right now

---I am NOT about to pass up on this pizza offer. Sorry, William. 

I get sad, too. 

But, I hate when I do because 
I'm so incredibly obnoxious about my sadness.
So dramatic. So at the edge. So desperate.  

Now that I've calmed down, I realize that
these moments I've wasted in tears could've been spent with grins. I could've read a few pages of Dante's Inferno or finished up Doctor Who or Torchwood or started a new project I'll never finish.

I could've painted another layer of taupe onto my nails. Or whistled along to a very catchy song. Or gotten up and danced.

I could've written something amazing. Or apologized to someone who won't remember me.

Taken a shower. Run the stairs 30 times.

Or played with make-up.

Playing with make-up always cheers me up. Maybe I'll do that.
or maybe I'll attempt to masturbate before my vagina throws up blood all over the dinosaur sheets I've had since I was 3 (or something.) 

Anything but sit here and wonder what it's like to be not-sad.

I apologize for the caps, but my pinky finger couldn't help it this time.

And his sweet family had been hiding his secret for so long...

I recently was devastated, angered to find out that a young boy I had trusted in my home, around my family was found having sex with his LITTLE SISTER (who was probably about 4 or 5) when he was 8 or 9 (and a few other times when he was older.) Not just that, but it has happened MANY times and he's been caught in other funny situations with his friends' little sisters (even this past year!!) 

How did his parents counter-act his behavior (which, we found out at the same time, included stealing and breaking into places when he wasn't around my brother)? With CHURCH. His highly religious family makes him attend a Church function nearly DAILY.

He's 16 and in the 10th grade with my little brother and, the past few years, he's been over our house at LEAST once a week. For a long while, he was my little brother's  BEST FRIEND. He seems to be incredibly smart, taking appliances apart and creating objects that were entirely new, but his grades and school behavior were FAR under par. He was only allowed to hang out with my brother at our house or theirs because of his "strangely" over-protective parents. [that and my little brother remains extremely uninfluenceable. The stick up his ass is so big that it might even be a young Maple.] And now we know why...

"Keith is a great kid, but he's got a few problems..." His mother started out with.

Honestly, he looks like any other little boy and we'd heard, once-upon-a-time-ago, that he was "rowdy" when he was younger. But, I can tell you, when I was in the car with my mother and she told me what one of his parents had confessed, my heart stopped beating. 

I have fed a future serial rapist. Shaken hands with him. Hugged one of his victims (his adorable little sister who seemed perfectly normal.) 
I've walked throughout his house. 

I've trusted him, a little kid.

My parents slowly pushed my little brother away from contacting him. [K] calls it "sick," but does nothing other than avoid him.

As do we. But, knowing this, are we enablers?

I definitely needed to get this off of my chest.

What to do? 

just kidding.
In all seriousness, though, no one should raise a hand to anyone.
Want to view it from the other side? 

loved it.
Male or female...
don't hit your bitch. 

Hubbubby, William, can't tell the difference between my sexy face and my fart face. ...

William is the only guy I've ever described my bowel movements to. 

Seriously. He's that amazing.

I think I'm getting too comfortable with him, though, because...
Today, over Oovoo, I just said, "You don't even know how much I fart. Like, you might not want to be with me once you realize it." But, little did I know, his roommate had sauntered in right before I began that sentence. William couldn't get his headphones in on time. FML. 

He and I are total bros/lovers. <3 

you'll be okay. try to pretend you want to get away. 
that's what i keep telling myself over and over again---you're doing this to get away.
you're doing this so you can be strong, physically and mentally...
stronger than you ever thought you could be.
you're doing this to prove you can do anything you put your mind to.
you're doing this to serve your country and to become independentand responsible
and a better you. you're doing this because
this is what has to be done before you begin your life
and, although you may think it's the end of things as you know it, there's plenty out there you've yet to become familiar withthat will soon blow your mind.
you're doing this to, not only to make your parents gloat, but to make yourself proud. 

you're doing this because everyone says you can't.
you're doing this because it's out of your comfort zone and
life won't always be comforting.

you're doing this
to get over yourself
and your past
and become something more,
aimed towards the future.

you're doing this so you have something
besides rape
that keeps you from sleeping at night.
you're doing this so you'll have enough strength,
one day, to hug the man that drastically changed your life
and tell him that you forgive him.

you're doing this for the discipline,
for the integrity,
for the feeling of being part of something bigger than you.

you're doing this for the glory,
to defeat silly fears,
and to be allowed to earn your keep for the first time in your life.

(also, the dresses, lipstick, and shoes will DEFINITELY not hurt.)

Oh, I dream of becoming an American Airman...

12:01pm came by and 
he cleared his throat,
nervously. 

he got down on one knee after
putting some romantic song on,
clutched a fake bouquet, and
a conspicuous note in the other hand.

he said,
"...[Lonelystrangergirl,] we've been
talking for six months, now, and
you are
the best thing that's ever 
happened to me. 
I want to be with you for
the rest of my life.
I love you. 
Will you be my girlfriend?"

My cheeks hurt from
smiling, but I squeezed out a
"No..."
Followed by a giggle and
"Of course!" My eyebrows jutted
high. If he weren't speechless himself,
he would've said, "Oh, no! You've
got that crazy look in your
eyes again!!"

He made me his on
2.14.2011.

<3 
(I'll try not to write about him anymore. Things'll get too gushy.) 

shaved my head yesterday.

i absolutely love it.

i feel more feminine than ever!!

<3