want to leave any trace of myself anywhere.
i need to ctrl-alt-delete myself 

My Korean is PRETTY LEGIT, now.
The DLI is everything I ever wished for.

I carried on 2 30 minute conversations in Korean with my boyfriend today.

Feeling pretty bad ass, if I do have to say so myself.

-Peace, love, and fan dance- 

the military is paying me to learn a language I wanted to learn.

Re-enlistment bonus? 90k.
Will I re-enlist? I doubt it.

3 more years. Come on. 3 more years.

William and I are crossing our fingers for marriage. I just have to get approval from his parents in Korea this December (can I get a whoop whoop?!)

Haven't started classes yet, but I can't wait. ---and I'm kinda sucking at studying.

All I know is I need a book in front of me. I can't learn without a book, so this random pre-class Jumpstart program isn't helping me retain much except for random words like "fat stomach" or "liverspot." Maybe I'm a standard visual learner. Not very creative at all. 

It's kinda sucky being away from William--- REALLY sucky. However, this is one step towards the future. After I get out of here, I will have one hell of a resume (and I still have to go to college afterwards. I'm ready.)

kkkk sooo hard to talk about all that's gone on!!

I'm in Cali, now!! How weird is that? First trip here in my life is paid for by the military. I've won an all expense paid trip to the Presidio of Monterey, California. You can hear seals barking on the shore from my dorm.

But, it's not as awesome as you think. Still gotta put up with military ish. But, I knew what I signed up for and I have had plenty opportunities to get out.

Time to finish a movie. More later, yes?
Yes.

Kisses. 

I leave in 5 days. In 4 days, I'll be at the hotel for MEPS. 
I finally got my low push up down last night. Scoooore!! I've been doing 5 push-ups every few minutes all day.

I had my last DepCC call today. Glad I won't have to see anyone any more. They always ask me "why are you so sad/angry?"
I don't want to be there. Duh.

I'm going to miss sleeping in my bed. I won't be back home after Basic Training until Thanksgiving. I'll miss spending my 20th birthday with my parents. That'll be my first birthday away from them.

I'm going to miss my honey. The next time I see William, he'll be beside me, holding my hand. I'm more excited for that than anything.

I'm going to miss being brought breakfast in bed. 

I'm going to miss pointless conversations with my overly excited little brother.

I'm going to miss my parents, my friends (that I never see,) and my computer. lol

But, I'll get over it all. No whining from me. I know what I signed up for--- time to kick ass.

I'll make everyone proud. This is to the start of my life. Air Force, here I come! 

You know what I like hearing? "Yes." 
Can I have those shoes? "Yes."
A car? "Yes."
That dress? "Yes."

I guess that's what happened with [NewYorker.] However, the phenomenon occurring with William puts a delectable sour taste in my mouth.

I just tell myself "No." 
I know he'd go to the ends of the earth to make me happy, and I appreciate that, but I prefer not receiving things from him. In fact, it's a very strange feeling when my 9-year-old American girl voice echoes "No" in my head. I think it's a turn-on.

I know that, every time I tell him "no," I'm saving him from dealing with the consequences of unleashing Ms.Strangergirl-the-man-killing-dependent-shop-a-holic. Every time I tell him "no," those few dollars that are vibrating with excitement in his checking account are hushed. Ever time I tell him "no," I am one step closer to our seamless future together.

I want to be self-less one day.
ONE DAY, but right now

---I am NOT about to pass up on this pizza offer. Sorry, William. 

I hate it when people say, "Pray for me, guys."

I check my chi chis daily (because I like feelin' on them and such,)
and, after sleeping in a wired sports bra after a failed run on a day I wasn't feeling so well...

I found a painful, marble-sized lump in my boob, Saturday. 

Kind of weird that I accept it. My lump. It's MINE. 

And, I'll deal with it.

Whatever it is, I'll be okay. I couldn't make an appointment for Easter Day (friggin Eastertarians. Ruining America. Ugh,) but I can for tomorrow. Should I REALLY, though?

I say this because of the military thing--- not because I'm emo or some shit.

My dreams and goals all dangle before me. Every time I reach, something hidden pulls them further away.

Whatever happens, I've got this I've got to be my own Superwoman.

'Till next.

(originally posted April 25, 2011 3:27 AM)

go hand in hand.

I once was an idiot.

I've starved before. Yeah, four or five days... no food... no gum.. nothing because I was afraid of getting chunky. Over and over again... trapped in a long labyrinth of thinspiration, bloody bile, and note cards filled with numbers that would never be good enough. 

It's been an ongoing struggle since I was 8 years old. When I was 9, I gave up dairy. When I was 10, meat. By the time I was 12, I had tried everything from just staying kosher to being a crummy gluten free vegan.

I then promised myself that, once I turned 18 and left for college, I wouldn't eat.

At 15, I discovered bulimia and danced with it daily until I turned 18. 

Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, I smelled like shit and loss friends because of it. But, you know what? I learned something.
No matter how much I threw up or starved myself, I still felt disgusting. No matter how much weight I lost, I still felt fat. No matter how skinny other girls were, I still hated them (because of their ugly personalities. I was much nicer then than I am now.)*

People who are overly sensitive because they starve themselves or cut themselves are IDIOTS*. You think I'm going to be nice to you just because you hate yourself? Excuse me? If you don't even like yourself, how am I supposed to?

You think I should be sensitive to your problems? Excuse me? I've got no sympathy. Just empathy. I wish, instead of sympathizing with me and saying, "You shouldn't do that to yourself," people would've told me, "You're stupid. Half the people around you are super thin and have faces uglier than your dog's behind and are no use to anyone. This is a waste of your time and mine. You'll never get anywhere in life. Go kill yourself."

...because I doubt I would've done it.

(on a positive note, if I would've, I wouldn't have met my babe, William. And, if I wouldn't have met him, he wouldn't have mistook my sexy face for my shit face.)

After one really funky event, through my reaction, I realized how WEAK of a person I was (haha a psychologist would have me committed after reading something like this, but still...) I woke up and pictured my funeral. Maybe 3 people besides family would show up and what would the headstone say? "She was skinny and made good grades. She pitied herself after walking into situations she chose to be in. Then she died."
(I'm pretty sure it'd be the longest, most bad-ass headstone ever. But, that's beside the point.)

One thing that I appreciate is, about a year after that event, I started looking in the mirror and telling myself that I was pretty. Sounds simple, but it made a huge difference in how I carried myself and chose what to eat.

Don't get me wrong! Dry heaving myself to sleep was fun and all, but I found something that was much more exciting . Turns out I was a foodie! who would've guessed?

Yes, I still count my calories (but I ignore the end results) and I've begun to work out again (but for a reason other than losing weight.) My life is HAPPIER and HEALTHIER now that I've been de-idiot-fied.

I know you're saying it now--- "What a bitch!! You don't understand my situation! You don't know what I've been through!" 
Well, how am I expected to know these things? If you want, you can send me a nice, long detailed message demanding an apology.

Yes, I'll tell my children that starving themselves is STUPID and will make them the smelly kid on the block.
No, nothing you say to me will change that. 

How easily are you influenced? Question yourself. If seeing pictures of Kate Moss (or who the fck ever you want to enter here) in magazines makes you want to throw up and look like a bony dinosaur, then you should do as you wish. But, before you gaze at your first Thinspo, I hope you understand that what you're getting into has EXTREME consequences and you might end up being a friendless, bony dinosaur. 

-Stranger.

Stop defending your addiction starting today. I'm not calling you idiots (or am I?) I'm just pointing out that there's more to life and not everyone's going to feel bad for you (or, the other extreme, applaud you for being "strong.") 

*please refer to my comment responses.

Some language in this post has been edited after it was brought to my attention that it may have been more damaging than the "friendless, bony dinosaur" comment.

to basic training next month. 

When I put, "I'm leaving next month!" on my Facebook, associates are still wondering where I'm going. 

gahh...
 

^_^

his facebook profile picture I drew. It's like a little boy in a big shirt. 
I effin suck at drawing. 

He drew me, too... but I look like a confused Korean transvestite.